I promise
To always find the hope
The body-music
When all faces have been lost
To not focus on the teeth
That were sanded down
And capped
Before I was old enough to make that decision for myself,
But went ahead anyhow in vanity
Thinking, "actress"
"To be an actress, I must not have rounded teeth."
So at my dentist’s suggestion we squared them artificially
And now they're breaking down
But I promised just now I would find the hope
I wouldn't lament such things
And I'm trying not to,
I'm just telling you
How it goes in this life
When you add something to yourself that wasn't yours
Or when you think what you had once
Will last forever.



Take me to church
And I promise
I won't come out angry this time
I won't say that I'm right
& they’re wrong & they're old & outdated
I'll think it's just fine
Coming ‘round to
the places I know I can't hide
Like your bed & my block & the cross where they say our sins died.

And my breath is arrested by the sky
And my neck is straining to keep both my eyes.



Death
I have not known it
Beyond hermit crabs,
guinea pigs
And once-orphaned dogs
Rescued, loved & eventually
Put to sleep
Wrapped in pink blankets
And buried
By the lake
I have been luckier than most
To only have imagined
Life being taken from my loved ones,
More irreverent than some
To have announced my on-stage
Suicide
At the top of the show
Through to the climax
Struggling to step behind the flats
For the sound cue to take hold
(sharp breath in/Hoo - breath out)
(silence)
& emerge smiling at curtain call
The character I played quite shaken off
Ready now to bow
Among the living.

I have read about the Holocaust
It used to be my favorite genre
Flashlights under covers
Reading little girls and boys lost
Rationing snacks as if
My own body was in danger
I've read illness narratives
And The Year of Magical Thinking
Cried in public
Pretending to bear Joan's grief
What will I do?
What will I do when it's me?

Our last night in Italy
After getting engaged
We listened to Radiolab
And packed
As the love story faded
While the volume raised
Cancer
A couple halved
Young
Like us
We hold one another closer
And lack the nerve
To say it.

Death
The thought has been following me around for weeks
Not a seductive whisper
Like my teenage self imagined it
Just surrender
Giving up
If the rest is just decay
I'm done

But yesterday
I deep-cleaned my office
Got rid of all my belongings
From past lives
Cluttering my closets
Clouding my mind
I let them all go
And hours later,
In the middle of the night
Grandpa Al died
And I realized
In his last weeks
As an incapacitated boxing coach
His final thoughts
Had synched with mine.



Al, smiling
At the gym
Named for him
And his preferred name, Coach
It had as good a ring as
Mr. Lowe

Coach, Coach
Teach me some discipline
Teach me how to train
How to fight
How to win
Teach me how to grieve

My arms are lonely
With wanting to hug you
Awkwardly, around the couch
I wouldn't mind minding your walker
Or the tv too loud

But I wouldn't bring you back
No, Not like that
Stuck in bed
Separate
Fom your wife.

And I'm sorry but I can't,
I won't, go with you now
Even if you gave me a glimpse of the end somehow
When I think of it
I'll imagine you asleep on the couch
Resting to rest
Humming to rise.



Head snapped back
& howled
For ten minutes.
Found
I wasn't bottomless.
Pretty soon my wails
Turned into a song.